There will be no "Call Me Maybe" puns in this story, because that's exactly how the St. Louis Cardinals would want it.
Everyone that is, except Cardinals assistant hitting coach and 14-year big league veteran John Mabry.
"I have no idea what that song is," Mabry said.
But this has to have the most untapped parody potential of all, right? Cardinals players could record a "Call me Mabry" version -- pure internet gold -- which would lead to millions of YouTube views and billions of mythical internet dollars. Yet when asked to lead this project, closer Jason Motte was short and to the point:
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, no," he said with a finger point.
Well played, sir. Probably for the best.